Something's Up
by Lament of Meow
Summary: Zoro and Nami have noticed something strange has been going on with their resident sniper and cook and they're determined to find out exactly what it is. SanUso. Beware my lovelies, that means yaoi!


A/N: Okay, first One Piece fic, first slash fic. Sanji/Usopp is a crack pairing, dammit!!! I don't know what it is about them, but this just came out and I just wrote it down and I just posted it and oh god what am I doing?!

…I just hope you enjoy it, and thank you to all the other SanUso writers out there, there need to be more stories!!

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Nami started to suspect something the day Sanji missed one of her rare sun-bathe-on-the-deck-in-a-bikini episodes. She waited a whole 20 seconds (20 times longer than normal) for him to pop up and offer her a favorite drink. When he failed to show, however, her curiosity ran wild.

Zoro's suspicions peaked the day he asked Usopp what had happened to the Kanata cloth he used for cleaning and the sniper, without any pause or consideration but with a dreamy look in his eye, told him the complete and exact truth. After using him for a punching bag for daring to take his cloth and use it for making puppets, Zoro had the time to reflect on the unusual occurrence.

Nami just _knew_ something was up one bored day when, upon asking the sniper a question about his previous travels perfectly formed to incense a tall tale out of him, Usopp clearly, plainly, and without any hint of exaggeration gave her an answer in two sentences that lasted less than half a minute.

Zoro just _knew_ something was up when he insulted the shit-cook to his face about "his god-awful cooking" and the only answer he received was a short, distant, "Sorry." After picking his jaw up off the floor, Zoro proceeded to slowly back out of the galley, wearily keeping an eye on Sanji in case it was some sort of trick to get the drop on him.

Finally, after a week of no stories and no favorite drinks, of no lies and no arguments, Nami and Zoro just couldn't _take_ it anymore.

"What the hell is up with you, shitty-love-cook?!" Zoro screamed in the middle of dinner with no provocation, slamming his hands on the galley table, "And you Long-nose! Stop telling the goddamn truth all the time!"

Usopp and Sanji just stared at the slightly flushed Zoro. Opening his mouth to say something while Usopp blushed and looked down at the table, Sanji was quickly interrupted by Nami.

"What's the deal Sanji?! I've practically waltzed around **naked** all week and you haven't so much as _looked_ at me!" At Usopp's suppressed giggle, Nami trained her eyes from the cowering cook to the now horror-stricken sniper, "And _you_! I must have asked for a story to relieve my boredom, like, a THOUSAND times and not _once_ did I get even an exaggerated explanation!"

Usopp squeaked, blush returning tenfold while Sanji's trembling increased, a small splash of red moving up from his nose to engulf almost his whole face. As neither culprit could speak for themselves as the stamping down on their ferocious blushes took all their concentration, Zoro's and Nami's frustration continued to swell.

"Well?!" Nami and Zoro screamed at once, standing with hands on hips and angrily darting their eyes from Sanji to Usopp to Sanji and then back again.

"What? You guys don't know?" Strangely enough it was the Straw Hat's captain who answered, face stuffed with meat that he had continued to eat during the yelling fest, secure in the knowledge that no one had paid enough attention to him to notice that he'd stolen something off all their plates.

Every other member of the crew stared at their captain, two pairs of eyes shocked and the other two pissed-off inquisitive. Luffy, faced with all this attention, cocked his head to the side and swallowed his mouthful of food before continuing his train of thought with a smile, "Sanji and Usopp are having sex."

You could have cut the silence with a dirty, rusty, dried blood-encrusted, badly made butter knife.

"WHAT?!"

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A/N: Thank you for reading and yes, that was short. Yes, I am sorry about that. Do I think there could be another chapter? Maybe. I don't know. This pairing is CRACK and another chapter might just spill out. Please, _please_ read and review so that I know I'm not the only one with this strange fascination.


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